Since the 3rd I've made this post a hundred times in my head. How to describe what has happened? My life has been torpedoed, does that bring across the proper imagery?
Adam and has left me. He doesn't love me anymore and feels it's unfair to stay. Call it a mid-life crisis, call it what you will, but he feels that he absolutely needs to do this and there isn't any other option. There you go. It turns our that there's not much you can say when someone tells you they don't love you.
So now Olan and I are trying to make sense of this crazy new world, wobbly legs and all. It seems that there is nothing to do but forge on ahead and just DEAL. You always hear about how people step up to the challenge and how it's amazing what people can deal with. Indeed that seems to be true. Now that the continuous barf my mind out and bawl at the drop of a hat stage has passed I seem to be left functioning well enough.
This is due in large part to my absolutely amazing and incredible family. I've always been an appreciator of my wondrous fam but I had no idea how amazing all these people were. They have my back. The calls, the letters, the flowers… the show of support is amazing. My parents have been hugging me tight, but letting me grieve too, which has been so important and nice. They've been so great with Olan, who is enjoying all the big squishy hugs though he thank god doesn't know why. Alyson and Isabelle came down last weekend and it was a wonderful escape… we drank wine, ate good food (yeah to be hungry again) had lots of hot tubs and went to see a girly movie. All this to say that the wagons have circled, and it feels bloody wonderful.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
7 comments:
i love you
Just a proud sister amazed by all that you are and all that you will be; wobbly legs be damned, you'll be strutting your stuff in no time.
i love you. and will gladly retire my current standing as pseudo Pacifist and go back into my old job as a hired assassin for you.
Seriously. Just say the word.
You're amazing - if I could blink my eyes and make the barfiness go away I'd give myself a seizure blinking for you...
comedy as a crutch moment: Would it be tacky for me to put the moves on you now??
Keep on Keeping on superstar!
First reaction, I puked in my mouth for you.
Second reaction, just say the word;)
My mom said that she would like to join the wagon circle too.
We are all thinking of you and are overwhelmed by your total coolness.
Liz H
It may be in poor taste for me to post on this being Adams brother...
But I've been sitting here for 20 mins trying to find something inspiring to say.... Something that will magically make you feel better, or give an outside perspective to shed some light on a seemingly opaque situation..
But in truth anything I craft falls far short of how awesome you are Meghan and the strength you have show these past few weeks is nothing short of remarkable.
Our hearts are broken for you. and our thoughts are with you.
M&C
Message to Matt and Carrie-from the bottom of my heart, thank you for the kind words-she both needs and deserves them.
I wondered when you'd be ready to speak here again, Meggo. It hurt, to read of course, but I guess it's true enough. I have left. But seeing as this is a place where people have come for so long to see how we (our family) has been doing, I'll add my voice here because people are surely wondering how I could do such a thing.
I never said I don't love you. I never will. I said I'm not IN love with you, and there's a difference. The difference is that I cannot really ever turn away or not feel anything but horrible for the pain I've caused you. I cannot forget anything, because it was all so good. I cannot do anything but feel regret that I couldn't just shut up and keep going.
For all intents and purposes, life was perfect, and how could I ever leave? You are and will remain the greatest girl I have ever met. I have never been so close to someone , or had so many moments to think about that were wonderful. I've never known anyone who has impressed me more as a human being than you have. I doubt there are many people in the world as fine as you are, and I was lucky enough to be loved by you. I got to go through a pregnancy and the birth of a perfect human being with you. It was an overwhelming honor, and the happiest time of my life.
But anyone who knows me also knows that my mind and spirit was wandering, and had for a long time. It had become part of who I was to be not-so-careful of my wife's feelings. It had become acceptable for me to say things I shouldn't say, do things I shouldn't do, and it was all within a life that was otherwise so great, that it all got ignored. Every marriage has it's issues.
And the world if full of Uncles and Brother-in-laws like that. People that we all know are not treating their wives as honourably as they deserve. People we whisper disdainfully about the day after the party. They all have different reasons for being that way, and I don't even fully understand my own. But I have been this way with you for most of our time together, and I had never been that way in other relationships. Your allowances - your being accommodating of me - made me think that that was just another reason our relationship was so perfect. But you were making the sacrifice; and I was doing whatever I wanted at the expense of your honour, and my own.
I've grown into this, and it's been happening for a long time. I've become a person who is a much smaller and less honorable than the person he's married to. And you don't just go get honour - you have to earn it.
You have earned that. I have been deeply honoured by you, and in return, I have let you down repeatedly. More and more, the imbalance there has brought me to be disgusted by myself. You have grown in so many ways, and I am so proud of what you have become. Yet I'm becoming increasingly hidden - false. I cannot and will not have my baby looking at a father who is not honest, and not honouring his mother every single day.
So there it is. One big bang and one big disappointment. I have let go of that perfect life, that perfect family and all of what was so wonderful for 10 years. Believe me when I tell you that I am NOT happy about any of this. How could I ever be happy about finding myself outside of the wonderful circle of people that you brought to my life? How could I be happy about losing you? I'll never be happy about that. I'm not happy to be sleeping on floors and looking for a way to start over. I get ache every time I see a little boy like ours - 'cause no one is like ours.
It makes me sick to see how hurt you are. But eventually, I won't be able to hurt you anymore.
As Olan grows, I'll tell him that I DO love his mom. I'll tell him that he has the greatest mother in the world and how lucky he is to be part of that Bangay clan.
And when he's ready to ask about why I left, I'll tell him that it was the hardest thing I'd ever done, and I'll tell him that I just couldn't find it in myself to treat her as well as I knew she deserved; to match her commitment with equal commitment of my own. I'll tell him how horrible I feel that I could not do that.
And it will be true.
Post a Comment